i tried to wake up with a different attitude today, an i-don't-need-you-or-anyone-else attitude (trying to regain my cynicism that took years to break down, and although it's not exactly healthy, i think, to have that attitude, it's a protective factor) and it went ok for awhile, until all of the wasted time (the canceled conference, the incompetent undergrads, the forgetful family) and then my mood just plummeted. and then my thoughts wandered back to you again, and remembered when you used to write me emails like, "your cheerleading never grows tiresome. i love, love, love it: and you." and then the tears swell because as much as i probably don't need you, i want you, and i don't know how not to want that.



to let you go, i'm going to have to WANT to let go... but i don't.

none of this was my choice. it wasn't my choice for you to give up on us, on me. i never gave up on you, even when you did, and i certainly never gave up on us.

maybe the attitude will be better tomorrow. maybe it will just take time for me to be ok again.




because i'm certainly not now. and you certainly sounded fine yesterday. calling you was a mistake. i just wanted your don't believe.


i've also decided that a big part of the reason that you & i deal with things so differently is this: TELEVISION/MOVIES. wow, since i've turned to scrubs... i think i experience part of what you experience. not that its the best television show ever, but i can see how you throw yourself into movies and television-- and yes, it certainly does protect you from dealing with emotions in your own real life.