a lull in traffic -- the gloria record

Just lonely, baby--doesn't mean I'm looking for a friend.
I've got plenty, I'm still learning how to lay down my life for them.
Don't want to find yourself alone at thirty-five,
spending half what you make on your car (and hating that drive).
Just crazy, maybe--doesn't mean I'm looking for a cure.
I've got stability that scares you,
'cause it's hard to believe when you're so sure.
No matter how different you are, you're just like everybody else.
No matter how hard you try and fit in, there is no one like you.
You will find you spend a good deal of your life, sitting at red lights

phantom limbs never quite leave.

you know, i actually do okay until i run across a random email or note. and then i remember what we did have and how you just threw that away, and then i get extremely sad and incredibly confused. i still love you, even though i don't want to.

extremely & incredibly.

you should still read it, even without book club-- you'd like it. i have about 80 pages left. I wasn't able to pick it up for awhile.

it's the anniversary of the pumpkins weekend



and now i'm turning off all technology for the next 48 hours because i cannot take this pain any longer and because i need to find some way to heal. i've tried everything else, lets give this a shot.

Season 4, Episode 22

nothing in this world that's worth having is easy
--the fictional dr. bob kelso

i tried to wake up with a different attitude today, an i-don't-need-you-or-anyone-else attitude (trying to regain my cynicism that took years to break down, and although it's not exactly healthy, i think, to have that attitude, it's a protective factor) and it went ok for awhile, until all of the wasted time (the canceled conference, the incompetent undergrads, the forgetful family) and then my mood just plummeted. and then my thoughts wandered back to you again, and remembered when you used to write me emails like, "your cheerleading never grows tiresome. i love, love, love it: and you." and then the tears swell because as much as i probably don't need you, i want you, and i don't know how not to want that.



to let you go, i'm going to have to WANT to let go... but i don't.

none of this was my choice. it wasn't my choice for you to give up on us, on me. i never gave up on you, even when you did, and i certainly never gave up on us.

maybe the attitude will be better tomorrow. maybe it will just take time for me to be ok again.




because i'm certainly not now. and you certainly sounded fine yesterday. calling you was a mistake. i just wanted your don't believe.


i've also decided that a big part of the reason that you & i deal with things so differently is this: TELEVISION/MOVIES. wow, since i've turned to scrubs... i think i experience part of what you experience. not that its the best television show ever, but i can see how you throw yourself into movies and television-- and yes, it certainly does protect you from dealing with emotions in your own real life.

not ok today.

it is taking all of my strength and willpower not to call him tonight. i'm literally shaking.

/

sometimes it literally knocks the air out of me. that i can't just call you to tell you my good news, tell you about a this american life episode that i think you'd like, or to tell you that i miss you, and can't wait until thursday night to see you.

it goes in waves, but this one just knocked me straight off my surfboard and now i feel like i'm drowning.

a break from thinking about you to smile

karla told me today that i provided the BEST answer that they have ever seen on a comps question. ever, ever, ever.

and it was the question that b-fox wrote.


best answer in the history of comps.

YAY.