i've migrated.

goodbye....

hello...
[http://middleofthetable.wordpress.com/]

a very important list, for which you can be the one to title it for me

1. i defended my dissertation and turned 26 on the same day. that means that this blog domain name is no longer valid. 

2. i "finished" grad school.

(except i thought i would be bored so committed to a summer GA and too many authorship projects)

3. my baby sister is in europe and reading her blog makes me horribly jealous because i don't think i appreciated things the way that i should have when i had them and when i was there.

4. i like the new new kids on the block song.

5. i might start a new blog for the new phase.

6. i feel different than i used to, but also the same.

7. cath...

8. i deal with change better than i used to. maybe that's a part of number 6, because sometimes i still hate it with a fiery passion. 

9. i'm scared about the 43 things that i have to start on. excited, but scared.

10. i no longer have an excuse for not starting my novel

11. i have not missed an 11:11 since liz left for chicago on monday morning, a.m., nor p.m., and no, i have not set my alarms for that.

12. i am also scared to play with my d-40. what if i don't remember anything?

13. #12 is the root of a lot of my thoughts right now. 

14. while i love this apartment, it evokes quite a bit of anxiety.

15. i have to go meet Grad School Girls for a birthday/goodbye party.

elliot perlman

good morning, again = sunday a.m.

i give up, i'm going to be an old lady with cats.

i CANNOT do "wall-to-wall". i just wanted to see what he said to me last year. bad, bad, bad idea.

sometimes i still wonder how we could've let something so wonderful fall apart. but more:

i wonder if you ever wonder.

ROL

she's not kidding.




i have big decisions to finalize in the next 48 hours... at least dreams about steve zader living in my old house and finding my initials carved in my closet trump the "I-DON'T-WANT-TO-GO-DOWN-THAT-CAREER-PATH" nightmares of the night before.

nothing is irreversible, nothing is irreversible. but i can't back out of this once i certify the list. but anyone can do a year of anything, right?

i'm so close, and i'm getting scared.



but.... also, really excited. its finally okay for me to devote time to things other than professional training. let's hope i remember how to do that.


on another note: i'm healing. but i miss talking. i want to be his friend again but the non-returned message of mid-december haunts my mind ad makes me wonder if he doesn't want the same. all i have to say is that if he's punishing me for needing time to be okay before being his friend, i dont even want to be his friend... because after everything, the least he could give me was time.

the very, very least.

but i do miss that one who was my best friend for 1.5 years.



i'm a lot better... i never thought i would be this okay again. but i am. and i'll be even more okay as time goes on, and things progress. :)

3/4

3/4 + ___ = ?? what does it need to equal? and how do i fill in the blank?

oh, i'm a such a katiegirl.

oh sarah. what are you doing?

the email from alissa that makes me cry:

"I am so sorry about Jake. My heart breaks for you... the one time that I did meet him, I could tell how much you loved him. I thought you two would be together forever."

3 true facts about me

1. i'm sick with this secret
2. i'm incredibly naive
3. i have a mental block against november, even though it hasn't been bad in years.

a lull in traffic -- the gloria record

Just lonely, baby--doesn't mean I'm looking for a friend.
I've got plenty, I'm still learning how to lay down my life for them.
Don't want to find yourself alone at thirty-five,
spending half what you make on your car (and hating that drive).
Just crazy, maybe--doesn't mean I'm looking for a cure.
I've got stability that scares you,
'cause it's hard to believe when you're so sure.
No matter how different you are, you're just like everybody else.
No matter how hard you try and fit in, there is no one like you.
You will find you spend a good deal of your life, sitting at red lights

phantom limbs never quite leave.

you know, i actually do okay until i run across a random email or note. and then i remember what we did have and how you just threw that away, and then i get extremely sad and incredibly confused. i still love you, even though i don't want to.

extremely & incredibly.

you should still read it, even without book club-- you'd like it. i have about 80 pages left. I wasn't able to pick it up for awhile.

it's the anniversary of the pumpkins weekend



and now i'm turning off all technology for the next 48 hours because i cannot take this pain any longer and because i need to find some way to heal. i've tried everything else, lets give this a shot.

Season 4, Episode 22

nothing in this world that's worth having is easy
--the fictional dr. bob kelso

i tried to wake up with a different attitude today, an i-don't-need-you-or-anyone-else attitude (trying to regain my cynicism that took years to break down, and although it's not exactly healthy, i think, to have that attitude, it's a protective factor) and it went ok for awhile, until all of the wasted time (the canceled conference, the incompetent undergrads, the forgetful family) and then my mood just plummeted. and then my thoughts wandered back to you again, and remembered when you used to write me emails like, "your cheerleading never grows tiresome. i love, love, love it: and you." and then the tears swell because as much as i probably don't need you, i want you, and i don't know how not to want that.



to let you go, i'm going to have to WANT to let go... but i don't.

none of this was my choice. it wasn't my choice for you to give up on us, on me. i never gave up on you, even when you did, and i certainly never gave up on us.

maybe the attitude will be better tomorrow. maybe it will just take time for me to be ok again.




because i'm certainly not now. and you certainly sounded fine yesterday. calling you was a mistake. i just wanted your don't believe.


i've also decided that a big part of the reason that you & i deal with things so differently is this: TELEVISION/MOVIES. wow, since i've turned to scrubs... i think i experience part of what you experience. not that its the best television show ever, but i can see how you throw yourself into movies and television-- and yes, it certainly does protect you from dealing with emotions in your own real life.

not ok today.

it is taking all of my strength and willpower not to call him tonight. i'm literally shaking.

/

sometimes it literally knocks the air out of me. that i can't just call you to tell you my good news, tell you about a this american life episode that i think you'd like, or to tell you that i miss you, and can't wait until thursday night to see you.

it goes in waves, but this one just knocked me straight off my surfboard and now i feel like i'm drowning.

a break from thinking about you to smile

karla told me today that i provided the BEST answer that they have ever seen on a comps question. ever, ever, ever.

and it was the question that b-fox wrote.


best answer in the history of comps.

YAY.

always room for you

i miss you more than i can possibly say to you or write. i should be ecstatic about the news that i got yesterday, and i am, to a degree, but all i can do is hurt because you're not there to share it with me.

http://www.blocparty.com/lyrics.php?lyricID=31










i hope that this just turns into a break. albeit, i understand it's not going to be a break of 4 days again. i'm just convinced that there's more.

acr --> car

i couldn't deal with possibly trying to process my current emotions any further so i went and bought (after trying to rent) another season of scrubs. i've already watched two full seasons since saturday evening; onto #3. i'm physically exhausted and need to sleep, but am afraid to turn off television and leave the haven of sacred heart-- i don't like the current state of my own scared heart.

maybe 200 (out loud)

_ _______ __ ___; _ _______ __ __

mark swerdlik's bathroom floor

add my program director's porcelain tiles to the list.

i tried to hide this feeling, especially in front of the professors. but how am i supposed to hide from something that feels so mind-numbingly shattering? i didn't do very well. renee gave me a very orange hug and said, "are you okay? no. you aren't. but you will be."

you ruined my last school psychology picnic. you ruined our plans.

you're too "proud" to ever ask for me back. you shouldn't be. i've always been horribly naive. as much as i know that i should just move on, and i will, eventually, there's always going to be this part of me, like a missing limb, that holds a spot for you. there's always going to be a spot for you. and that's the dumbest thing i've ever wrote, JUST MOVE ON, SARAH, but you know you won't. you know that you never fully will.


the best i ever had.



there AREN'T tiers of people. i do deserve someone who behaves better. "behavior is controllable." you didn't have to kiss her. you better not have cradled her face the way you cradled mine. you heard the word film, you hadn't seen me for a month, i wasn't as available as i normally am because of the biggest exam of my life, you were lonely in your new city, you were in a downward cycle, you drank alcohol, and you went for it. then you lied to protect me. then you're too proud to ask to work through it, even though IT SHOULD BE MY DECISION AND NOT YOURS. and you don't believe in yourself to ask again. you don't believe in yourself enough. i just wish you believed in us enough to.






my phantom limb does.

tears in udon noodles, as i stare and hope for a glimpse of you from above
the tissue i didn't want to throw away, because it came from your apartment
a pain i've never felt because i don't think you believe in yourself enough to fight for me
i'm here to tell you that i'm worth it

i wish your confession had made the love stop. i wish i didn't love you as much as i do. maybe then it wouldn't hurt so fucking much.






i'm worth it.

countless bathroom floors

i wish i would've kept track.

i wonder how many there have been?

one before the last

i'm place-lonely tonight. i want friends, someone.

that is certainly not conducive to studying alone in my apartment tonight.

but with comps 13 days away, i don't have much of a choice.

trying, trying not to let Disappointment have a seat next to me

change don't FRET:

1. change your thoughts about the situation
2. do something fun
3. do something relaxing
4. do something to expend energy
5. talk about it with a friend


go away, Disappointment. the only company i want is Appreciation, Reciprocation, and/or Love.

never enough

never enough



not even to me.

at the edge
a pin dropped
and she cried

me and you and everyone we know

movies like me and you and everyone we know make me feel like every single action i take is important: the way i moved my candle 2 inches to the left to be in the center of my bathroom shelf, the manner in which i just itched my arm, even the way my veins are popping out of my hands as i type this very entry.



it makes me remember that my life won't always be like it is right now.

and that it's okay that it is at the moment. it won't last forever. it won't last forever.

major breakdown #2.

i know it's unhealthy to have this mentality, but all i can think today is, life will be better after grad school.

at least it better be. this isn't how i pictured my days at 25 years old.

in a funk

though i really have no reason to be.

relief.

i'm NOT a horrible person/clinician.

very much?

the words "very much" plagued my dreams last night: i saw them everywhere.

JD

i want to be jessica darling.

the protagnoist, not the porn star.

black mercedes-- one block radius

the lights are on inside of my head
back in the dark again
the street light burns my skin till i shed
my world is stolen
i watch him leave without a sound
the sky blew the moon down

i knew i wouldn't be good at keeping a blog.

today.

:)

mountain / molehill

mountain / molehill
uzi & ari


i said it seven months ago
this summer's gonna take it's tolll on me
and it's still tearing you to bits
from all the topsy turvey shifts that are taking you from me








trying to embrace the way of the peaceful warrior is more difficult than it sounds.
"where are you?" (here)
"what time is it?" (now)


here and now. here and now. not back then, not in the future, not there or there.
here and now.
here and now.
here and now.
here and now.
here and now.

25

life at 25 isn't so bad. getting rid of my false expectations caused some tears but helped my mental health a great deal. i proposed a dissertation (note that that would not have been said so nonchalantly had you talked to me in the days or hours before the proposal meeting), had a weekend in isolation, and finished the class portion of my "junior" year of grad school.

i can't wait until my life doesn't revolve around test dates, applications, pointless class assignments that i hardly see value in, treatment plans (wait... er... i guess i can handle the last one-- that is the field i'm going into). the diss proposal was a big step towards getting there-- there is an end in sight.

i am still mentally working on this list of birthday resolutions. but here's one:

DEFEND the dissertation while still 25. i would be the first person in the history of my program to do that.


eek, only 357 days left!

i just wrote a letter to my second/sixth grade teacher. i long for the days when things were so simple. it was a good self-reflection excercise to think of 15 non-academic things to say about myself, though. though that was not the point of the letter, i decided to include it... yay narcissism?

oh, procrastination.

storypeople

this is a bag filled with dreams & recipes for soup & (s)he's deciding right now which (s)he's really hungry for


oh autonomy, where are you.

$2.66

someone owes me $2.66 because i'm pretty sure that i don't need this extra mailbox key anymore.